KINTSUGIconversations

0:00:11 - Allison

Hey guys, I'm Allison and I'm Cynthia mom, and this is the kinsugi conversations podcast. So I was at dinner with some friends the other night, mom, and somehow we got on the topic of like how our parents were with us as kids and you know, all my friends were like oh yeah, you know my mama, she would have whooped my if I did XYZ. And during the conversation someone was like Allison, you're kind of quiet. Like we know Cindy, like we know Cindy wasn't going for that. And I was like y'all, like you're probably gonna be shocked by this, but I have actually never in my life had a spanking. 

 

Now, there were things that Cindy wasn't going for and I knew that, but I never had a spanking in all of my 32 years, not to say there probably weren't times where you wanted to hit me at the tip side of my head, but you never did. And you know, mom, like my generation overall, I would say the majority of people aren't spanking their kids nowadays. Like with my generation it seems like a lot of people went through a lot of trauma and you know have kind of sworn off that. 

 

However, you were kind of ahead of the curve when it came to how you know, you disciplined me. What made you to decide that you were not going? 

 

0:01:29 - Cyndi

to spank me. Well, I don't even necessarily know that. It was a decision. To be perfectly honest with guys everybody they never believe me when I say this, but God honestly did bless me with the best child. Allison was a very good baby and little you know growing up, everything she really was. I am so thankful. 

 

So it wasn't necessarily a decision that I made as far as whether or not I was going to spank you. I do know that growing up, the way that I did getting hit with you know first of all, you know belts, extension cords, you know hands, you know all that stuff. You know it makes you in your head say you know when, if and when I become a mom, I'm going to do things differently. So I don't know necessarily if that played a big role in me deciding not to spank you, but just it was more so. I wanted you to always feel safe and always feel loved and sometimes I feel like spanking don't get me wrong, there are some kids that are just bad. 

 

Just meet, they ask me okay, I'm sorry, they just do, they just do. But overall sometimes I think that spanking especially the way that some parents spank, and I don't really know if I can call this spanking. I think sometimes that violence begets violence and it kind of shows the kids that you know somebody does something you don't like, then you know you just you beat up on right and that's not the message that I wanted to get across to you. If that makes sense. 

 

0:03:13 - Allison

Yeah, I definitely agree and I think that, like studies have shown that you know, that kind of aggressive behavior in the home like it can lead to bullying, it can lead to aggressive behavior, like with kids amongst their peers, because you know it is modeling like, oh, you did something I didn't like. Let me just smack you. You know what I'm saying. So I mean, that is definitely true. I think it's really interesting, though, that, like, basically, what you said is that more or less, you were breaking a generational curse. You know what I'm saying? 

 

0:03:43 - Cyndi

even back then and also, you know, hitting to me. I'm sorry you can't tell me you love me and then do something that hurts me. That just that and it. There's a disconnect in my mind with that. So I can't like beat you to tears and then tell you how much I love you. Yeah, that just is not the quake for me now you. 

 

0:04:07 - Allison

You know your experience growing up and getting. You didn't get spanked and you got whooping. You got whooped and beat. Yeah, do you think that and I kind of can guess what you're gonna say just based on you know, we've had this conversation a few times, but I am curious as to if I'm right or wrong do you think that that type of discipline? 

 

0:04:27 - Cyndi

worked. I can't really say that it worked because, honestly, the things that I was beaten for, I don't feel like they were warranted for that that right, extramural. 

 

I mean you're gonna beat me because when I watched dishes there was a fork left in the sink or or something in most of my infractions, and I'm sure my mother would always have a different story. But to me they were so minor because I always tried to do everything that I knew she wanted me to do correctly and on time and on point, because I knew what the consequence was gonna be right. So I did everything I could to try to avoid that. So for me those minor infractions it's like is this really okay? I didn't take out the trash. You know exactly when you told me to do, I finished sweeping the floor first and then I took the trash out. 

 

0:05:25 - Allison

So that that warrant me getting slapped right, I think like you know, my like thought on that is like it's too, it's too excited. The first is that, like the, the, the crime and the punishment, just like, had no relation to each other you know what I'm saying? 

 

it wasn't it wasn't like, oh you know, you didn't take the trash, so you had to take out the trash, you know, for the next five days, and you had no help or whatever, like they just they weren't at all react, like they were all related to each other. So, you know, that's kind of, I guess, different than what my generation has been taught in terms of discipline. And then, on top of that, it seems like all it did is create fear, like it didn't. It didn't create respect, it didn't create understanding, it just created fear, which I don't know. That's not something that I personally want is for my kids to just fear me, not, I mean a little bit, but not not fear me and not respect. I want them to respect me, not fear me and then there's a difference. 

 

0:06:22 - Cyndi

I've heard so many parents like well, I don't want to be my, my kid's best friend, I want them to fear me, I don't want them to respect me. No, you know, of course, being the parent, there has to be a certain amount of fear, but not in the, in the fear that, oh, I'm going to kill you or I'm gonna stop loving you, that kind of like detrimental fear. It's just a little bit of fear that, oh, if I don't do this, I'm gonna get this privilege taken away or something that I really want. 

 

0:06:48 - Allison

That kind of consequence, not that something dire is gonna happen, right, and I think that you know, all in all, like you want your kids to know, okay, I don't do this, I'm gonna get this, I'm gonna get XYZ taken away, or this is gonna be the consequence, so I better do it. But I also better do it because, whatever the bigger reason is, like I better turn in this assignment because, like you know, my grades are important, or you know I better take the trash down because, like, if I don't, like, the trash is going to be full. You know I always want my kids to understand, like why they're being asked to do something, not just like because I said do it. 

 

0:07:24 - Cyndi

You know, and that was the thing at my house, because I said so. You know, whenever I would have to you know, discipline you in any way, I always made sure that I talked to you and you understood. This is what you did wrong and this is the consequence behind that. But also in, this is what you did wrong. This is the consequence behind that. I still love you, Right. 

 

0:07:47 - Allison

Well, let's walk through it. So let's say Allison, true story guys, Allison puts lipstick on the TV right. 

 

0:07:55 - Cyndi

What happens next. 

 

0:07:56 - Allison

That was Olivia, that was actually Olivia, my imaginary friend, but you know I'm actually sticking to that. That was not me but you know, let's say that four year old Allison draws a little TV with lipstick. Like what? What happens next? Like what was your kind of, I guess, plan when it came to discipline me? Or what were, like, the action steps that? 

 

0:08:15 - Cyndi

you would take. Oh well, I remember, just like I was yesterday, and you know, I first come to you and say you know who did this? And of course you gave me this whole story of you know, it wasn't you, it was Olivia, blah, blah, blah. And so you know I said well, you know, that's not what we do on the TV. So the next time Olivia does that she's going to have to go to time out. 

 

Because, again, you know, when your kids are small three, four, even sometimes five years old they don't necessarily understand their actions. There was lipstick, there was a big right up the screen you thought it would be nice to call that screen. So you didn't really understand what you were doing was something that was wrong or could ruin something, and it wasn't something. What you did, it wasn't something that was going to be like, it wasn't earth shattering, it didn't break the TV, it didn't, you know, it didn't cause you any harm, it didn't cause any real harm to the TV. It just took time out of my busy schedule to have to clean the lipstick off. 

 

So what I said to you was next time Olivia does this, she's going to have to go to time out. And I explained to you. You know this is not what crayons are for and this is not what the TV is for. And also, I remember getting down on sitting on the floor on my knees so I could be like eye level to you so that I could explain to you. You know, this is not. You know what you do with your crayons. You know they was going to have to go to time out and she does this again and we may have to take the crayons away, right. 

 

And you know, from that point on, you know that was, you were all good with that, but that was kind of like our little you know modus operandi Whenever you would do some little something that maybe you would do, you know, get down to your level. So I didn't want to tower over you and make it so that, oh, you know this is, you know, big, looming figure, right. That again, you know, creates fear. That's not what I was trying to do. I wanted your respect, but I also want you to understand what you were doing, why it was wrong. But still, the bottom line is, even though you may have to be punished, there's nothing that you could ever do that mommy will stop loving you, right. 

 

0:10:14 - Allison

That makes sense. So, excuse me, that makes sense. So basically it sounds like first it was like communication, like let's talk about what you did, let's talk about why you did it and let's talk about why you can't do it again Exactly, let's talk about what's going to happen if you do it again. And then you know, time out was kind of the next thing. If it was like a dire a dire. You know, something I did was kind of worse yeah. 

 

0:10:41 - Cyndi

Or maybe, if I like, reacted inappropriately to you telling me not to do it time out was kind of the next thing, and then it will be like taking away whatever I was using to do whatever I shouldn't do, and you were such a you know a sensitive kid, and maybe I don't know, because we spent so much time together too, and I don't know. Again, this is some. Sometimes I think kids are just inbred with certain things. Your, one of your biggest fears was to disappoint me. You never wanted me to be disappointed in you, so just the idea that I was going to be, you know, upset or disappointed in you, it would just drive you to tears, necrostatics. So I didn't. There was no need for me to punish you because you were beating up yourself. 

 

0:11:27 - Allison

Exactly so. It sounded like like my disposition and the fact that, like I cared about, you know what you thought and that I was a pretty like, mild mannered kid definitely impacted it, do you think? That you would have gone about things differently had my that, my disposition been different. 

 

0:11:43 - Cyndi

I don't think so I think you know, still, instead of me I still very, very strongly feel like I was would not have spanked you, but I think it would have been more. We would have had time out. First would be, you know, sitting in the corner. Sitting or standing in the corner would have been my next mode of discipline, right, and if that didn't work, then it would have been, you know, being sent to your room. And then it would have been stripping away things that you like, you know, no TV, or taking away your music box or your phone, or even so much as taking away your favorite dolly or something like that. Those were the steps that I would have taken. I still don't think that I would have necessarily spanked you, because to me, that just that would just create fear instead of respect and an understanding of why you don't do that. 

 

0:12:35 - Allison

Right, right, that makes sense and of course we're going to get into like my kids and how I kind of do things. But I mean, obviously I have a son and a daughter and I can already see differences in my son and my daughter and the way that they, first of all, the way that they act up, is different. Jackson is very much a no limit soldier, like you know Harper. Harper can be rambunctious and energetic, but Jackson likes okay, of course you guys can't see it, but I'm looking at my mom's like liquor display over there and it's a bunch of glass like liquor liquor bottles and I'm like, yeah, that has to go before Jackson comes over here, because he will literally just go up to it and take his arm and just knock it all to the ground but then walk away from it Like he won't even knock it over and then like try to play with it. He'll just knock it down the ground to like hear it crash and then go on with what he was doing. 

 

0:13:29 - Cyndi

I mean, will he be upset before he does it or just doesn't? 

 

0:13:32 - Allison

just to do it. No, he just does it to do it Like he. He'll do it to see what's going to happen when he does it and then okay and leave. It's like it, won't look back at it again, like it's you know, whereas Harper, the little things that she does, it's more calculated and Harper is more so like. Harper is the one that I'll tell her not to do something and if she really wants to do it, she'll find a way to sneak and do it. Jackson's not even going to ask for it to be told. No, he's just like huh, what would happen if I knocked all this crap off this table? Like, let's just sing, ok. 

 

0:14:10 - Cyndi

Well, I didn't have a son, but I can see that there are definite differences between boys and girls, so that's going to be a challenge. I mean, and I've seen that difference in Jackson too, you know, eating his food. I remember Harper was sometimes, like, you know, drop stuff or throw stuff on the floor, but Jackson will basically ask you for a look at it and then just kind of this little smirk on his face, just like drop it. 

 

0:14:38 - Allison

But here is the difference and here's the thing that gets me. Ok. Harper would maybe drop something on the floor, like she'll hold something and it's still on purpose, but she dropped it. Jackson is going to throw it across the room and I'm like why are you throwing these chicken nuggets, bro? Like why? 

 

0:14:53 - Cyndi

Yeah, he almost hit me with his shoey through across the room. 

 

0:14:56 - Allison

Yeah, like for no reason. For no reason, he is a little boy. So I guess that was my question, and I know that you can't really answer, having not been through it. But do you think you would have handled disciplining me differently if I were a boy? 

 

0:15:10 - Cyndi

Probably, again, it would have been getting to your eye level. But sometimes with boys, especially once they start to get older, you do kind of have to put a little fear in them, more so than girls, because a boy, it takes nothing for your son to be taller than you, be bigger than you, so you kind of have to let them know oh, I'll punch you in your throat, right. You have to bring them down to your level and put a little fear. It can't always be when your daddy comes home, right, exactly. So sometimes I do think although I don't agree with spanking a lot and for every offense sometimes I do think, though, with boys, that you may have to take that role with them. Yeah. 

 

A little bit stronger than with a girl. 

 

0:15:52 - Allison

I've talked to a lot of my friends that have sons, and, of course, I'm not quite there yet. Jackson is 16 months, so I mean his discipline as of now is just no, no and removing him from the situation. However, I've talked to a lot of friends that have boys that are getting older, and a lot of my close friends. Their husbands also play basketball, and so their husbands are gone a lot, and so they're having to be the ones to discipline their sons. However, because their husbands play basketball, a lot of these little boys are getting to be bigger than their moms, and what my friends are telling me is that they have to demand respect from their sons in a certain way, because they have to acknowledge the fact, not that they're bad kids, but they have to acknowledge the fact that their sons could, in theory, hurt them you know what I'm saying If they were to let it get out of control because they're bigger than them and they're growing into young men. 

 

Exactly, maybe the little boy is only 11, but he's towering over his mom at this point. And so they're telling me that with boys there comes a certain respect. There comes a certain time where, as a woman, you have to demand respect from your son, and sometimes that does involve instilling just a little bit of fear Not that you even have to be physical with them, but maybe letting them know that you would if it were to come to that, and thankfully they do. All in these situations have fathers who are also able to get involved. But I have heard that it is a little bit different, in particular when it comes to mothers disciplining their sons. 

 

0:17:20 - Cyndi

Yeah, I can agree with that and I think that's again the case. Like I said, these boys they grow a lot bigger than their moms and they grow quickly. Like I said, 10, 11, 12 years old, they're towering over moms. So you do have to instill a little bit of that fear in them so that they don't hurt you. The only thing, if it comes to that and we get to that point with Jackson the only thing I encourage you to do will be, even though you have to instill that bit of fear in him, always, always, though, in the conversation with I love you, right, and there's nothing you can do that make me not love you. 

 

0:18:02 - Allison

I don't plan on spanking Jackson, just like I don't spank Harper, which I'm about to kind of get into what I do do with Harper. I don't have any plans on spanking him. I think it's gonna be very similar to what I do with Harper, but with Harper there's been a lot of trial and error as I figured out how to discipline her, because Harper isn't quite like me. You know she's big on communication, she likes to discuss things, she listens for the most part, but I would say the biggest difference between me and Harper is that I didn't have a temper and Harper definitely has a temper, which she gets from you and from her dad. 

 

0:18:45 - Cyndi

Yeah, she does that, but I also notice with Harper in all of that. Harper still, though, does not want to upset you or disappoint you. So what I keep trying to? When I'm keeping Harper or where I'm around Harper and she's misbehaving and she's having one of her temperance, or whatever, I try to remind myself that Harper is very advanced and very mature for her age, but she's still just a baby, right she is. So that's kind of like the parallel you have to draw in your mind and keep reminding yourself. Yes, she has not standing vocabulary. Yes, she can do all these things, but she's only three years old. 

 

0:19:28 - Allison

I should remind myself of that a lot, because I feel like, because she is mature and because she's a girl, I sometimes find myself expecting more from her for some reason and I have to remind myself that she's still just three. She's not going to act any more mature than she is all the time. You know what I'm saying. And so I try to give her some grace and let her be three and acknowledge that she's going to make a mistake. She's going to do little things, and we went through a really, I guess, rough period with Harper. 

 

I feel like towards the end of my pregnancy with Jackson and up until he was probably about four or five months, harper was just very challenging, but there was a lot going on for her at that time that I acknowledge 100%. I was pregnant at first and there was things that I couldn't do and she was coming to terms with the fact that I couldn't do it, and then she had this new baby come into the house and rocked her whole world. So that was a big change. And then during this also, my husband was in Japan, dj was away, so she was dealing with dads absence and all of this I feel like just snowballed and made for a kind of rambunctious few months for her, and I understand too. 

 

0:20:50 - Cyndi

with all of that being only three, she does not know how to vocalize those emotions. 

 

0:20:55 - Allison

Exactly so. That was the first kind of rough patch with her. And then she had another kind of really rough period where it was probably about six weeks where I felt like she was just hard, hard to parent, hard to deal with, and I don't exactly know why that was. It could have just honestly been kind of like a growing transitional period of her testing limits. However, during that second period I did end up resulting to spanking her, for you know, I think I probably tried it for two weeks of that period because I kind of felt like I was at my wits in. I had tried everything else. It wasn't working. She was not only was she being just quite wrangly like bad, but she was also being disrespectful was the thing. And that's the thing with Harper that makes it tricky is that she is sometimes so mature and her vocabulary is so advanced, and so she was talking back and all the things. 

 

0:21:50 - Cyndi

She'll cut you deep now, yeah, I mean she got that from you Right. 

 

0:21:54 - Allison

There was a time where you know DJ even said this DJ will not lay a hand on Harper ever. I think that's just a father daughter thing. But he even said, like I think you need to spike her up with that, like you need a little spanking. 

 

And for him to say that kind of shows you that it was kind of bad, it was short lived and we are on the other side of it. But, like I said, I did try spanking. And going back to what you were saying earlier about spanking, I learned very quickly that it was not working for Harper and so obviously I stopped and I haven't spanked her since and I honestly regret that I did it, even for those two weeks, because she still sometimes brings it up, so I can tell that it impacted her. I don't want to say it was all negative. It's not like she's traumatized, but like now she'll be like I should say like oh, I do that mommy might spank me and I'm like Harper. I think I've spanked you maybe four times, like over those two weeks and not like it was daily. You know what I'm saying, but it's stuck in her head. 

 

0:22:47 - Cyndi

Well, the next time she brings it up, though, you know, sit down with her, yeah, and explain to her why mommy had to do that, right. 

 

0:22:56 - Allison

And I think that will be great for me to do. And maybe I owe her an apology. You know what I'm saying, because I'm not above apologizing to my kids if I've done something, that I mean we both agree. Like it didn't work and it was wrong, like I have no problem apologizing for it. You know yeah. 

 

0:23:12 - Cyndi

I think, though, if you sit her down and be like you know, harper, mommy's very sorry that she did that, but this is, you know, this is remember you were doing X, y and Z and mommy had tried everything else and, you know, mommy just didn't know what else to do. Yeah, but we've but I, mommy, found out there is a better way for me to, you know, get you to not do things. So you know, mommy's very sorry that she had to do that and I'm sure that you're sorry for the way you were acting. So you know, we're not going to do that again. 

 

0:23:40 - Allison

Yeah, I think I might need to do that Because, like I said, she does still bring it up sometimes, maybe it's real guilt thing, Harper, trying to guilt me too. On the flip side, while I'm saying it didn't work, the fact that she did bring it up. She remembers and like it does stop her from doing things sometimes, remembering those few times that I did spank her. 

 

0:23:58 - Cyndi

So maybe it was, you know, maybe it did work? 

 

0:24:00 - Allison

I don't know. However, what I was going to say is that I stopped because I started noticing that she started getting aggressive and she started like wanting to fight. When you know, when things happen, like not only with me, but like with Jackson, she would say like, well, I'm going to spank Jackson and I'm like, well, you know. 

 

And so I noticed very quickly that, like it wasn't getting, the reaction I wanted, and it was only making her more aggressive and making her think that hitting was appropriate. So I stopped it very, very quickly and, you know, went back to more so gentle parenting as they call it. Mom, do you know what gentle parenting is? No, ok. So you actually do know what gentle parenting is, because it's more or less what you did. Funny enough, you were way ahead of your time. 

 

I guess I didn't really have a name quite yet, but it's really similar to what you did. I'm going to define gentle parenting for everyone. This definition comes from very well family. I'm not going to try to, like you know, define it on my own. I'm just going to use this definition that I found that you know is really good, and what it says is that gentle parenting is an evident space approach to raising happy, confident children. 

 

This parenting style is composed of four main elements Empathy, respect, understanding and boundaries and focuses on fostering the qualities you want in your child by being compassionate and enforcing consistent boundaries. 

 

The article goes on to say that, unlike some more lenient parenting methods, gentle parenting encourages, as appropriate, discipline that teaches valuable life lessons. 

 

Those who practice gentle parenting encourage working together as a family to teach their kids how to express their feelings, but in a socially acceptable and age appropriate manner. Ok, overall, I'd say that it's currently the most popular way to parents and discipline kids and it's seen, as you know, very beneficial and very impactful if you want to raise, like a happy kid, independent kid, a confident kid. And I think what I take from it and the message that's been communicated to me is that you're going to have boundaries and you're going to have guidelines, and those boundaries and guidelines are going to be very clear, like you're going to communicate with your kid. If you do this, then this is going to be what happens. You're also going to stand on that boundary. So that means that if your kid does that, even if it's hard for you, you have to do what you said you were going to do, because making empty threats doesn't do anything, that's something that I've honestly run into trouble with. 

 

It's like sometimes I've said to Harper Harper, if you cannot listen like we are going to leave, and then I'm like, oh crap, we have to leave Because I didn't want to leave, you know. But you have to do what you said you were going to do. And I think that the big thing about gentle parenting and I think it points back to kind of where your mom was I won't even say mistaken, I mean Poorly educated, because she only did what she knew how to do or what she thought was appropriate. I'm not excusing her behavior at all. By the end of the day she did. When you know better, you do better. We hope, and she didn't know any better is what we'll say about her. 

 

You're like baby, but in gentle parenting you're taught that your kids punishments or really Consequence needs to match their action. And so you did a really good job of that with me by saying, hey, you colored on the wall with those crayons, so the crayons are gonna get taken away. Like you know, if you made sure that it matched up, it wasn't. Oh, you cut on the wall. So no TV, you know, you made sure that it was like communicated why it wasn't appropriated, appropriated, communicated why it wasn't appropriate, why I shouldn't do it, and you made sure that the consequence lined up with the action so that it would make sense in my head as a three-year-old, as a four-year-old whatever. 

 

0:27:56 - Cyndi

Yeah, I think that's important. Now you have to, you know, basically for something like a like Fred, or get on your kids level and, you know, get that. Explain things the way that their Mindset where there's you know three, four, five, whatever it is, explain things so that they can understand it at this, at that stage. But in all of this, though, I still feel like my communication is just the key right talking to your kids and explain it to them. No, this is what you know. We don't do this. This is why we don't do it. This is what's gonna happen if you do it. 

 

0:28:33 - Allison

But still, in all of that, though, I'm gonna love you, no matter what yeah, I think that has to be communicated a hundred percent because, at the end of the day, I think that kids are just more likely to respect people that they know love them. That's how it was for me, you know, with you, I knew that you loved me and so I wanted to give you respect, you know you know you have to all moms learn how to do that. 

 

0:28:57 - Cyndi

The thing where you show your teeth with your smiling and it's like, don't do that. But in all of that, you know, kids need to feel like and I'll say kids, but everybody, even let's talk about, you know, male female relationships. We all just want to be heard and want the other person that we're talking to to a knowledge that they hear us Right and that, whatever it is we're feeling you know Harper's having a tantrum because of whatever you know Valid they. I understand that this is what you're feeling and it's okay to feel that way, but let's find another way to express that, exactly, exactly. 

 

0:29:34 - Allison

I agree. And you know, if you had asked me, gosh, when were we going through Harper's kind of rough patch? Maybe six months ago. If you had asked me if gentle parenting was working at that period, I'd be like no, like it's not working for my kid. However, now I feel like gentle parenting is working really well and so I that goes to show that you know parenting and discipline is not one size fits all. What works for one kid might not work For another kid. I still don't know what's gonna work for Jackson. 

 

0:30:02 - Cyndi

Only time will tell, you know, as he grows into his little how many times have I told you Across the board, ever since you got pregnant Kids do not come with instruction manuals. They don't, they don't. 

 

0:30:13 - Allison

It's trial and error, every single day it is, and like just like one. Like one kid, you know, might not be the same as another kid, like your kid at Three and a half and your kid at four might be different. And that's what I'm figuring out with Harper, like she's matured so much just over the past few months, like things that didn't work for her when she was newly three do work now that she's approaching four. And so it's like not only is it now one size fits all in terms of different kids, but even with the same kid, you know, shifting is always, ever is ever changing, is flowing. 

 

0:30:48 - Cyndi

I remember, you know, being in Japan and Harper, what again? She would get so upset and she would have these, you know, these, wow, I want to say tangent, but they weren't really tantrums, but I remember saying, you know, talking to her, I'm like, okay, well, harper, you know, when you feel, it's okay to feel that way, but this is what we're gonna do. And I taught her, you know, about different breathing techniques and you know that would get her to calm down that way. And I remember you looking at me like, okay, you're insane, but it worked. But you know it worked. 

 

And then, after a while, you know, I think you started doing it with her. You know, harper, you're starting to get up, you're starting to get. I can see you're starting to get frustrated because sit down and practice, your in, use it, let's practice the breathe, the practice the breathing that Mimi taught you. And she would sit there, she would take her deep breaths and and she would after say, you know, I feel better now. So, again, all these things are like trial and error that you have to try with each kid. It's like from week to week that you have to try different. That didn't work this week. Don't rule it out completely, you know. 

 

0:31:48 - Allison

Give it another shot until you find work does work exactly and there's so many different, different things that you know you can try with your kids in terms like some people swear by, kind of I think they call them like calm Corners and it's kind of like time out. But instead of just kind of old-school time out where it's like face the wall, it will be like a comfortable corner that set up with, you know, maybe some sort of like coloring pages and like relaxing activities for the kids to do while they are calming themselves down. Because you know it can be hard to learn how to regulate your emotions and some adults don't know how to regulate their motion, so how do? 

 

0:32:25 - Cyndi

we expect that you know of kids, right that's why I was so impressed with Harper when I would go over the breathing stuff with her that she actually sat there and I remember we were whole hands. I said, you know, look at me, me and hold my hands. I'm like, okay, do what I'm doing, and I would, you know, take my breaths. And then she started to do it too. So you know, she wanted to, you know, not React the way she was reacting, but again at you know three, she didn't know how To vocalize what it was that she was upset about. 

 

0:32:54 - Allison

Yeah, and you know what, like also something that we learned about when it came when it comes to parenting, something that we learned about when I was getting my masters in marriage and family therapy that I would kind of Echo to parents, especially parents of teenagers. I would see a lot of like teenage girls and end up kind of working with their moms as well, because Sorry, moms, to point this out and there's something that I am coming in terms with too Most of a lot of the things that we see in our kids are reactions to things that we are doing or saying, maybe not even consciously, but you know that was going on a lot with the teenage girls. I was seeing it. So sometimes I would have to see their parents as well, because we have to have a little come to Jesus moment because, like your, your daughter's doing this, because you're doing what you're doing. 

 

But you know, one thing that I learned in school that I would always echo to parents that like sticks with me as a parent, is that as a parent, you set the temperature for your household and for your children's Reactions. You are the, the thermostat of your house, and so if your reactions to things are big, if you're throwing Tantrums and yeah, they're gonna be adult tantrums, they look different than baby tantrums, but if you're throwing tantrums, then of course your kid is going to do the same thing. And so what have I learned as a parent is that I have to check my emotions and regulate my emotions first before I can even address my kid's big emotions, because 9 to 10, if you meet a big emotion with a big emotion, you guys are just both going to explode and nothing is actually going to get to get solved. And so you know, as parents, we are the grownups, and so it's so important to like get your own emotions surrounding whatever occurred in check first before you kind of come to your kid. 

 

0:34:44 - Cyndi

Yeah, it's like you said, though you know when Harper was really acting out. You know, like you know, I was tired, I was at my wit's end, and so it would have been very easy at that moment for her to do something and for you to just go and basically snatch her up because you were tired, you were frustrated, but for you to acknowledge that and for you to take the time to be like, okay, I don't know what I'm going to do with this kid, let me, let me breathe through it. Before I, before I even approach her, let me breathe, take some deep breaths and calm myself down Because, again, you know you can't then she would offend off of your reaction. I also, to you know, your kids watch the way you interact with your spouse or your mate in your house. So if you indeed are having a disagreement and you guys are screaming at each other and cursing at each other and throwing things and slamming doors, she's going to pick up on that too and think that's the way that you handle disagreements. 

 

0:35:37 - Allison

Yeah, and so there have been times with Harper that I have literally said let's say that she's done something, we're having some sort of you know argument or whatever. I've literally said Harper Mommy is feeling very, very frustrated right now, so I'm going to leave the room for one second to get myself together and then I'm going to come back and we can continue talking about this. That's very good. 

 

And of course she's kind of looking at me like what Like, but I recognize that, first of all, that's what I need to do to not hurt her and, second of all, that it's modeling good emotional regulation, because that's what I want. That's what I want her to do If she was feeling really upset and she was feeling she was going to react in a negative way. Instead of hitting, throwing, having a tantrum, I'd rather her say Mom, I need a minute to calm down. I'm going to go to my calm corner, go to my room, go outside, to the backyard, whatever, and then I'm going to come back and we can finish. 

 

0:36:35 - Cyndi

You know what I'm saying and so that's very good For both of you and it also teaches her that you know it's okay to take a moment and you know calm yourself, and that you know, as mommies and daddies, you know we need that moment too. 

 

0:36:50 - Allison

Yeah, exactly, exactly. I think that our kids are paying attention to how we handle distress and situations that stress us out. There've even been times where I've had this had nothing to do with my kids, but I've just been feeling anxious. And you know, I've been around Harper and she's seen me like taking deep breaths and she's like why are you breathing like that? And I'm, like mommy's, just feeling a little bit worried and a little bit anxious. So I'm taking some deep breaths to calm myself down, and I think that it's important for parents to communicate these type of things to their kids, because that's how they learn Exactly and they will learn to that it's okay. 

 

0:37:23 - Cyndi

It's okay to feel that way. It is also okay to do what you need to do to calm yourself down and you have to find your own for lack of a better word coping mechanisms to do that. 

 

0:37:35 - Allison

So, for parents, there's nothing wrong with, as a parent, you putting yourself in time out, you taking a time out from the situation to get your emotions and your reactions kind of in order before you address your kid. There's nothing wrong with, you know, taking some deep restorative breaths and then something else that, you know, we think that it's for kids. But coloring. I also find coloring to be like really calming. So there have been some times that I've picked up a crayon, like let me color this page to kind of calm myself down and bring myself down to earth. And then Harper will sometimes be like well, I want to color too. And then I find that, you know, about two minutes into coloring, we're talking about whatever happened, like, okay, harper. So you know, mommy, you know really didn't like when you pushed your brother down or whatever. And she's like okay, mommy, you know I'm not going to do that again because I could hurt him. And we're having this conversation as we're coloring because we've both calmed down, you know. 

 

0:38:28 - Cyndi

I think that's very good. You know, I have to say. You know, all in all and I tell DJ this too, but I try to make sure I do tell you because you do. You know, for lack of a better, spend more time you know with the kids. But you guys, though, are doing such a good job with both of your kids. 

 

Well we appreciate it, we learned from the best. Well, I wouldn't say that, but you know, I keep encouraging you all, though, to understand again that kids do not come with instruction booklets. Each kid is different. It's going to change, you know, every minute of the day Something new is going to pop up. But, you know, continue to talk to your kids, listen to your kids and, just, you know, be. Don't be so strict and stringent in oh, this is the way it's supposed to be, because there is no way. 

 

0:39:17 - Allison

The way it's supposed to be is the way that it works for your family, right, and that's going to be different for everybody, exactly so, guys, if you are a mom like me that sometimes for lack of a better way to put it loses your shit so we all do we actually created a little coloring page for you guys that we are going to link in the show notes, and it says don't lose your shit, and so we're selling poopy on it. 

 

Yeah, you know, we invite you guys to print out as many of these as you need and on those days that are particularly hard, that you are being tried by those little ones that you need to take a second. You know color that makes time to calm down, so you won't lose your shit. 

 

0:39:58 - Cyndi

And for some of you that have older kids, I would also encourage you when you're kid, when everything is going perfect with your kid, maybe take some of those times to have conversations with your kids as to Okay, you know we're doing everything that's doing really good now, but you know, back when this happened a few months ago, or if this should happen in the foreseeable future, how would you like for mom and dad to handle the situation? 

 

0:40:25 - Allison

What do you think is realistic and appropriate? 

 

0:40:28 - Cyndi

You know, like I said, don't do it necessarily when things are again the shit is hitting the fan, but when things are going good, I think it would be a good idea to, kind of, you know, just have that conversation. What are your expectations when you because you know for the kid, I know you're going to do something that mom's not going to lie, and for the vice versa, you know, for the kid, I know, you know you're going to do something I'm not going to like. I'm going to do something you're not going to like. So what would you like to see as far as consequences and actions go? 

 

0:40:56 - Allison

I think that is an excellent idea and I think that bringing your kid in to kind of the thought process and you know what the guidelines are, what the consequences are, is going to make them respect them a lot more. 

 

0:41:09 - Cyndi

Sometimes, you know, feeling like they have a choice. You know I think we'll go a long way too. You know, letting them know I'm listening to you. So what would you like to have happen? You know I always try to tell you. You know, your feelings are your feelings, the legitimate feelings you have. But you know you have a choice in the way you're raised. Right, I am going to have the final say, but you do have a choice. I am going to take what you say to me and I'm going to weigh that, and what you say may make more sense and may have more validation than what I'm thinking. So let's work on this together. 

 

0:41:44 - Allison

Yeah, I think, as parents, it's so important to be open to our children's opinions and let them have them, you know, let them be allowed to express them. 

 

0:41:53 - Cyndi

Right. There's no right and wrong. Everybody has opinions. We all do so, you know. Just listen to each other and listen with your head, your ears and your heart 100%. 

 

0:42:07 - Allison

Thank you, guys, so much for tuning in to this episode. Be sure to download that coloring page and use it as you see fit and, like my mom said, always listen with your head, your ears and your heart, because these kids, even though they're little, they might have a thing or two to teach us, that's right. 

 

0:42:26 - Cyndi

Thanks for listening, guys.